Friday, January 28, 2011

the opposite of when things fall apart

There I was waiting in line for about an hour to get a grilled cheese sandwich for eight bucks from a food truck with a couple hundred other people surrounding me all laughing, talking, yelping, texting, updating and posting to facebook and their blogs and I thought to myself "this is exactly where I should be."

It was my first time at a food/yelp event and I have to say it was a really good experience; I actually felt as though I was around my peers for once. A group of people who share the same interests that I have. It felt like Hawaii actually had something to offer twenty-somethings who were looking to experience something cool and different for once.

Maybe it's just because I don't usually venture out of my comfort zone all too often. I don't really check out the cool downtown/chinatown hot spots... but I wonder if I should try. Maybe I do belong here in Hawaii but in a different scene then I usually check out. I still feel that there are a lot of things that Hawaii needs if it wants to keep talented young people here. We need to build a network and culture where start-ups and innovation can actually find a community to serve. Yes, I've been snarky and judgmental about Hawaii kids who go to the mainland for college and then move back and try to re-create their LA "scenes" here. I think I might be beginning to understand what the motivation was behind those decisions.

Why can't Hawaii be a metropolitan city? Why can't we have a diverse and varied nightlife scene? We need more museums and exhibits to explore. More botanical gardens and more of the unexpected. We need to prove to Generation ME that Hawaii offers them all types of career, recreational, and social opportunities if we expect them to stay here.

I love Hawaii. It's where I grew up and I can't imagine a better place to live. But I always thought I'd have to leave it someday in order to be a success and "to find myself/happiness". But maybe it's possible that Hawaii is changing and growing right along side me and that I'll be able to make a place for myself here after all. 

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

did anyone else watch the President's State of the Union address last night? I caught it at work today and I have to admit something here: I don't get his salmon joke. The food blogs I read were all a buzz with "the salmon joke" and after watching the address in its entirety I still don't get it. Is "smoked" code for something? <confusion>


But President Obama's words did mean something to me. While there were times I was cynical and snarky (like when I saw the look on the speaker of the house when the President brought up his health care reform) or vapid and shallow (like when I noticed how long everyone's ties were) I still managed to get something out of the speech.

I do think that America needs to look into a sustainable energy plan. I'm all for solar/wind/wave power and I agree that we need to invest time and money towards research in those fields. I was less interested in the infrastructure of our roadways/ high speed rail that President Obama mentioned. But that's probably because I live in Hawaii and wouldn't see much (if any) benefit from those improvements.

I was listening to a "This American Life" podcast the other day and they had a young girl (about 14) as a guest who was very politically minded. She didn't believe in the global warming. I was stunned. But I suppose I understand... she has the right to her opinions (even though I personally feel she's wrong) (and kinda dumb) (sorry). but it got me thinking... what do I believe?

I apologize for the lack of eloquence in this blog post. If it comes across and disjointed and disorganized it's probably because I'm not entirely sure what I believe.... maybe I'll let this sit and ferment in my brain for a while and come back to it after I've really given it some time and thought.

Oh sh*t

I totally broke my work computer... poor IT guy is still trying to fix it. My bad.
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Miss match

This is how sleepy I was this morning. I didn't notice my slippers didn't match until I was standing outside my office lol.
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Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Monday, January 24, 2011

positive pressure



I like posting my outfit of the day because it kinda forces me to put more thought into what I'm wearing than I might normally. For instance (I'm not sure if you can tell) but I'm wearing a turquoise tank under my shirt today instead of my normal perference for a black/white/gray because I thought to myself: maybe I need some color after seeing the first pic with a gray cami under my button down.

I've also realized it's probably better if I just leave the top three buttons unbuttoned so that A) you can see more of my layering shirt and B) the thrid button of my shirts don't threaten to pop off at any given time.

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Sunday, January 23, 2011

Things I like to eat

This is by no means a comprehensive list.

Pizza, cheeseburgers, mac & cheese, baked potatoes, perogies, dumplings, quesdillas, stuffed mushrooms, pasta, steak, fried chicken, roast pork, duck, onion rings, cupcakes, custards, mashed potatoes, bread, enchaladas, green onion pancakes, chinese black bean noodles, spinich, feta cheese, tazitki, curry, pho, twice baked potatos, chicken pot pie, sushi, fried rice, hot dogs, tomato bisque, rice cake (chinese or korean style), butter mochi, oysters, string beans, edamame hummus, garlic chicken, tacos.
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Friday, January 21, 2011

the devine

I understand that we tend to lash out and hurt the ones we love when we are hurting... I myself am guilty of this. We do this for several reasons: they're there, they'll let us, and we expect them to forgive us (because they 'love' us). I've been thinking about this a lot of the past few days and the more I think about it the less sense it makes.

If I had an arguement with someone and they hit me no one would say "oh s/he was just angry... give them some time to calm down." But If you argue with someone and they deal you an emotional blow with words... that's another story... that's a forgivable offense. Why do we forgive emotional pain, when the scars left by those attacks are the ones that (arguably) leave us the most damaged and broken?

This may just be my defense mechanism kicking in to protect my oh-so-delicate-psyche/feelings but I'm kinda thinking that if someone hurts you, in whatever way (physical, emotional, virtual, financial, etc.) that you should just write that person and relationship off as toxic. I understand that the ability to forgive is a virture and I'm sure there are relationships that aren't so easy to walk away from (ex: family) but at some point we need to protect ourselves from the torrential downpour of negativity that we feel and freeing ourselves of people who continually hurt us is a good way to start.

It's the continually hurt us part that is tricky. As we tell the victims of domestic (physical) abuse "if s/he hit you once... odds are they'll do it again." At what point in an emotionally violent relationship do we say "now that's crossing the line?" How do we know when to walk away and when we should forgive? Is this an individual decision we all have to make for ourselves? To judge when our benevelonce has been shoved to the point of no return?

I'm not saying that I'm incapable of forgiveness... I like to believe that I am, but who knows if that's actually true or not? We never see ourselves clearly anyhow. But I do know that I'm not sure I believe that anyone else really forgives anyone else.. it may be possible to move on from the situation/arguement/problem but to forgive: is that really just another form of denial? Do we pretend that the event never happened? Or does forgiveness say "it's okay that it happened" because honestly, it's not okay... that's why we got mad/sad in the first place. Does it mean "I forgive because you didn't mean to"? and what if they did mean to? What if their intent, at that exact moment, was to hurt you? But now they regret hurting you/saying those things... but they don't regret that initial intention. It's never I regret my intention to hurt your feelings... instead we regret that we actually hurt the other's feelings. Like I don't regret wanting to kill you... I regret actually killing you.

people suck. they'll let you down. disapoint you. and yet, they're all we have.

awesome.

I love casual fridays... But I love furlough even more. Lol.
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*EDIT*
changed my hoodie to my motorcycle jacket give my outfit more "tough girl" edge which is totally more me.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

turbulence & turmoil

The forcast for Oahu today includes: cloudy skies, thunderstorms, lightning, gusting winds and small hail. To me this seems appropriate enough. It's as though the weather is a reflection of my own inner anguish. A high surf advisory has also been issued, and as I think about the waves crashing down onto our shores I can't help but feel that the world (for today at least) is empathizing with me.  Can I weather the storm until the waters calm? Will I be able to navigate the treacherous road that disappears into palces unknown and undreamed of?

My last thoughts before I fall alseep have been "I guess you're still mad," and "I hope you forgive me," and my first thought these past few mornings as I wake up has been "I guess you're still mad."   I feel powerless to do anything about it. I suppose if our friendship can not withstand this test then it was never as strong as I imgained it was.

I'm not sure what upsets me more. The fact that I may have been wrong about our level of friendship and understanding of one another or the fact that I may have lost a friendship as close as ours. I wish I could change things, take back that moment of my insensitivity and heartlessness. But I can't. All I can do now is wait. Wait for you to make a decision. Wait for  you to inform me of that decision. Wait for the crushing blow of the water to drive me under and either emerge renewed or remain drowned and disoriented below the surface.

Outfit for the day

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Monday, January 17, 2011

A night for the books

Sometimes you have those nights you never want to forget, others are nights you can't remember... tonight was not either of those types of nights, rather it was one of those nights that you can never forget no matter how much you may want to or how hard you try.

Complete honesty is a little hard here because well, I personally know all the ppl that read my blog. But the goal is in theory for me to share my thought with the "world" so to speak so here's what I can say/am willing to share: I hate the way the night ended. I'm saddened and distressed by the events that happened and by what was said. I feel like something has broken and I'm at a complete loss as to how to fix things or if they even can be fixed.

I hope things are clearer in the morning for us all.
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Thursday, January 13, 2011

Had a nice day at work today... so far my co-workers seem really great. They ordered pizza and brought cupcakes today to celebrate one of their birthdays and I got to know them all a little better. So far everyone that works with me seems okay, I haven't experienced and "office politics" yet and luckily haven't had my lunch stolen or any of those other stereotypes of office workers. I'm still not convinced that I'm actually an adult yet.. but maybe there's hope for me.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

thoughts from under my umbrella...ella ella ella (eh eh eh)

I had to make a decision today... should I use my cute (but small) gray cheetah print umbrella or my larger (but less cute) green Hotel Peninsula one. I actually thought about this for a few minutes sitting in my car and looking out at the cloudy sky. I decided that since I work in an air-conditioned office it would really ruin my day and make me grumpy (not to mention probably get me sick) to sit there cold and wet because I wanted to look cute for the 10 min it takes me to walk to my office.

There were all kinds of people with their umbrellas out this morning. And the umbrellas were as varied as the people. Small basic black umbrellas seem to dominate, although several people were seen with those huge aerodynamic umbrellas (the ones with two tiers and slits to let the wind through). The people holding these monstrosities tended to be older women (in their 40s-50s.) I saw a father holding an umbrella over his head while his son wore an orange raincoat and went umbrella less.

But what stuck me was a girl who wore stilettos and had a tiny red umbrella. I couldn't understand how she could mange. What with the rain and the heels and the mini umbrella. I realized then what my main problem is: I will always want to be that girl, but will never be able to manage it. I suppose it's because I'm a control freak, and I need to feel like I have things in order for me to cope with things.

Maybe if I could just learn to let go a little... be more laid back. Like a surfer girl who doesn't worry about getting her driver's side chair wet. But so far no luck. My nature is to worry and try to plan for certain things. And that's not so bad I suppose; preparation goes a long way in paving the road to success.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

i *effe*ing love my friends

I've had the good fortune to spend time with many of my good friends these past few days. I'm reminded at how blessed I am to have such good people in my life. It's been hectic trying to hang out on weekdays or finding a time when (mostly) everyone is off work but they are always worth my effort. However I'm afraid that I might have to stop hanging out if I'm ever going to manage to get my ass to the gym... lol.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Days go by

So I realize that I've already failed at project 365 because today is the 10th and I only have seven posts... I'm not sure how that happened but in my defense I am going to say that the days really just seem to fly by... I seriously feel like I just got home from NYE 2010 but nope we're already almost 2 weeks into the new year!

I have a lot of plans for this year, one of which, is traveling. I'm planning on at least one trip this summer to Seattle and possibly Chicago area as well. I'm excited to revisit my temporary places of residence and see how they feel almost 6+ years later. Will they be as awesome as I remember? Or will the nostalgia be too overwhelming and make me all mopey? I expect that I will most likely still love both cities mainly because I'll know that I'm only there temporarily.

It's funny how when you know that something is fleeting you can manage to deal with it, or at times cherish it in a way that you wouldn't be able to if it were going to be for the rest of your life. My good friend says that I'm commitment-phobic and I suppose I'd have to agree with her. The idea of forever terrifies me. I'm not sure I'd be happy knowing exactly what I'll be doing 5 years from now. But on the other hand I tend to dislike the unknown and unfamiliar. I enjoy routines. This contradictory nature is often reflected in the life choices I've made (or allowed others to make for me).

I'd wanted this blog to be more than just somewhere for me to write the nonsense things that occur to me.. I wanted it to be... something that people who didn't know me and didn't give a damn about me would want to read because the content is so engaging/informative/amusing/whatever but I'm not sure if that's going to happen. I don't know how to write for others I suppose. Which is funny because I consider myself (in some ways) to be a writer. And what is the point of writing if no one's going to read it? I mean, the point of all communication, is to send a message. Now I'm not saying you can't send a message out into the universe ala message in a bottle thrown in the ocean, but usually the satisfaction we get in communicating comes from our seeing that the message has been received.

But for now... these are my thoughts being sent out into the universe (or multiverse if you prefer).They're incomplete, imperfect, inaccurate, and inarticulate, but they're honest.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

I am very easily overwhelmed. I feel powerless sometimes and it feels like i'm being pushed in every direction. The past few weeks i've been feeling really emotional and at first I thought it was just pms but it hasn't gone away yet and I'm starting to think it might be more than the usual january blues. I don't think I'm sick again but I need to always be aware of what's going on in my head.
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Saturday, January 8, 2011

I felt a strong recognition when I read these words...


The hardy and flexible Willow bends without breaking. Its supple beauty is graceful and calming. Yet it is not Willows' looks that attract people; it is Willows' unique singularity that makes this sign stand out. Willow people are full of mystery and inexplicable charm, and that is the main reason why they are always surrounded by admirers.

The Willow Tree is usually associated with water, as it is often found in watery environments. Those creatures that typically surround water are thought to be more spiritually and psychically connected, and so many of the people born under this sign are highly intuitive, and they follow their intuition more than they would follow logic. The Willow Tree is a powerful sign, despite its fragile appearance.

Willows are highly emotional and very responsive to physical sensations; they are very sensually oriented. They enjoy bathing in the sun, basking in the cool water, and inhaling exotic aromas. Willow Tree people are more inclined to trust their feelings than their logic. Although they seem to be gentle and defenseless, in reality they are tough and determined people. It may not always be obvious, but Willows are almost always pursuing a goal, which they tend to keep top-of-mind.

Willow people are quite reserved; they don't like to order others around. At the same time, they can lose their tact unexpectedly and may say something they will regret later. Remaining Willows' friend is not an easy task. Willows don't accept compromises and never change their habits; even for the people they love the most.

When it comes to asking for help Willows can be very persistent and straightforward; but as soon as their problem gets resolved, Willows would go right back into their dream state of mind. They will keep emotional distance with others as long as they are not in need. It may be very tempting to reach out and help a weak and dependent Willow; but it may turn out that Willow is only putting on a game. People of this sign are usually capable of dealing with their own problems, but what for? There are plenty of people willing to resolve Willow's issues!

Willows despise dull, everyday feelings. They tend to blow things out of proportion; they tend to exaggerate every single emotion. Even if they don't admit it, Willow people are masochists. They yearn for heartache; they feed off the suffering; they thrive in separation. They would do anything to feel more alive.
--
Copyright (c) DailyHoroscope.
Download it now -- http://bit.ly/DHmobile'>Willow's Druid horoscope by DailyHoroscope (http://bit.ly/DHmobile)
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Friday, January 7, 2011

So I worked my first (EVER!) full 40 hour work week this week. I know the fact that I've not worked 40 hrs. before has surprised some of my friends, but I'm not sure why they would be surprised. Either way this week wasn't as bad as I feared. I'm still trying to get used to not having as much of "my" time as I used to... and that's been the hardest parts. I had all these ideas and plans (mostly regarding grad school) but I'm worried that not having time to properly stew (read: procrastinate/obsess) over my options and figure out what it is I want to study will keep me from pursuing going to grad school. My "brother" pointed out to me the other night that I don't usually have to work hard for things... they tend to just fall into my lap. And as much as I hate to admit it I think, that for the most part, he's right.

I don't usually have to work hard or fight for things. I've been really lucky in this regard. In the past few years I've experienced academic hardships that I'd never faced before... and while I wish I could say I managed to surpass them with a grace and elegance, the truth is that I didn't. In any way shape or form, conduct myself with any sort of maturity. In fact I whined and cried (literally) and bitched my way through those challenges.

I don't know if that means that I'm afraid of hard work. I mean if we're honest with ourselves no one wants to think of themselves that way. But maybe deep down inside we all know that it is the way we are. if there's a shortcut or an easier way to do it... why not?  I don't know if I would say that I've taken short-cuts in life, I suppose it depends on how you look at it? Or what sort of life you think is the most "honest"?

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

The things we can do with 20 min.

My closest guy friend made me dinner tonight as a "test drive" for him cooking a meal to impress his new potential girlfriend. The food was great as was the company and entertainment. Been musing on a few things for the past few days and think I am close to being ready to write a post on those thoughts. Perhaps tomorrow when I am not so down to the wire :-)

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Look what I figured out!

Yay now I can update from my phone and drain my battery even faster lol. I wonder how long i'll keep up with blogging... Esp since i'm not getting any feedback that anyone reads it. Hmm.
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Monday, January 3, 2011

High Time

I like burning after work.. it feels really good and I sleep really good. I also don't feel everything so intensely which is nice because I've been super hormonal this past week.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

The one where I do it for the first time

Hey, welcome to my blog. If I've forced you to visit and check it out you have now fulfilled your promise and can navigate away, if you've stumbled here on your own free will... well good luck to you! :-D I plan on making this space more personalized at some point so things will most definitely get screwy and whatnot. Please bare with me!

This blog is a part of project 365 and although I've missed a day I do plan on posting something new here everyday whether it's just a simple "this is what I'm wearing/thinking/eating/doing" type thing or a longer, more substantial diary like entry. I hope to find a great group of readers out there who I can get to know better over the course of this year.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. See you tomorrow!