When a writer can't find the words to express themselves well either a) they're not a very good writer or b) the subject is too close to them for them to be able to do anything other than feel.

I feel sad about the (hopefully) temporary lost of our friendship. I also feel like that even if we somehow worked through it and made-up that nothing would be the same. Something has been lost (on my end at least.) It's like now that I know how unimportant my friendship was to you, I can never really trust it (and by extension you) again.

It's weird you know because I spend a lot of my time hoping that you'll forgive me and that we can be friends again. That we could go back to the easy understanding that existed between us. But I guess on some level I doubt that that can happen. It's a flaw that's been pointed out to me before: that I can never let things go. The knowledge that you could walk away at any time would always be with me, and would overshadow my interactions with you.

Maybe asking for a close friendship is asking for too much. Maybe if we can be friends again it would be best if it were a more a see you once every few months kind of friendship as opposed to being best friends.

It's funny because I spend all this time worried about this. Our friendship. and if and how we'll make up. And I have no idea if you've even given it a second thought or if you've already written me off as someone "you used to be friends with."

either way I guess the simple fact that I do care about this situation at all proves that I do want us to be friends again.  I don't know what that amount to though.

the devine

I understand that we tend to lash out and hurt the ones we love when we are hurting... I myself am guilty of this. We do this for several reasons: they're there, they'll let us, and we expect them to forgive us (because they 'love' us). I've been thinking about this a lot of the past few days and the more I think about it the less sense it makes.

If I had an arguement with someone and they hit me no one would say "oh s/he was just angry... give them some time to calm down." But If you argue with someone and they deal you an emotional blow with words... that's another story... that's a forgivable offense. Why do we forgive emotional pain, when the scars left by those attacks are the ones that (arguably) leave us the most damaged and broken?

This may just be my defense mechanism kicking in to protect my oh-so-delicate-psyche/feelings but I'm kinda thinking that if someone hurts you, in whatever way (physical, emotional, virtual, financial, etc.) that you should just write that person and relationship off as toxic. I understand that the ability to forgive is a virture and I'm sure there are relationships that aren't so easy to walk away from (ex: family) but at some point we need to protect ourselves from the torrential downpour of negativity that we feel and freeing ourselves of people who continually hurt us is a good way to start.

It's the continually hurt us part that is tricky. As we tell the victims of domestic (physical) abuse "if s/he hit you once... odds are they'll do it again." At what point in an emotionally violent relationship do we say "now that's crossing the line?" How do we know when to walk away and when we should forgive? Is this an individual decision we all have to make for ourselves? To judge when our benevelonce has been shoved to the point of no return?

I'm not saying that I'm incapable of forgiveness... I like to believe that I am, but who knows if that's actually true or not? We never see ourselves clearly anyhow. But I do know that I'm not sure I believe that anyone else really forgives anyone else.. it may be possible to move on from the situation/arguement/problem but to forgive: is that really just another form of denial? Do we pretend that the event never happened? Or does forgiveness say "it's okay that it happened" because honestly, it's not okay... that's why we got mad/sad in the first place. Does it mean "I forgive because you didn't mean to"? and what if they did mean to? What if their intent, at that exact moment, was to hurt you? But now they regret hurting you/saying those things... but they don't regret that initial intention. It's never I regret my intention to hurt your feelings... instead we regret that we actually hurt the other's feelings. Like I don't regret wanting to kill you... I regret actually killing you.

people suck. they'll let you down. disapoint you. and yet, they're all we have.

awesome.