I understand that we tend to lash out and hurt the ones we love when we are hurting... I myself am guilty of this. We do this for several reasons: they're there, they'll let us, and we expect them to forgive us (because they 'love' us). I've been thinking about this a lot of the past few days and the more I think about it the less sense it makes.
If I had an arguement with someone and they hit me no one would say "oh s/he was just angry... give them some time to calm down." But If you argue with someone and they deal you an emotional blow with words... that's another story... that's a forgivable offense. Why do we forgive emotional pain, when the scars left by those attacks are the ones that (arguably) leave us the most damaged and broken?
This may just be my defense mechanism kicking in to protect my oh-so-delicate-psyche/feelings but I'm kinda thinking that if someone hurts you, in whatever way (physical, emotional, virtual, financial, etc.) that you should just write that person and relationship off as toxic. I understand that the ability to forgive is a virture and I'm sure there are relationships that aren't so easy to walk away from (ex: family) but at some point we need to protect ourselves from the torrential downpour of negativity that we feel and freeing ourselves of people who continually hurt us is a good way to start.
It's the continually hurt us part that is tricky. As we tell the victims of domestic (physical) abuse "if s/he hit you once... odds are they'll do it again." At what point in an emotionally violent relationship do we say "now that's crossing the line?" How do we know when to walk away and when we should forgive? Is this an individual decision we all have to make for ourselves? To judge when our benevelonce has been shoved to the point of no return?
I'm not saying that I'm incapable of forgiveness... I like to believe that I am, but who knows if that's actually true or not? We never see ourselves clearly anyhow. But I do know that I'm not sure I believe that anyone else really forgives anyone else.. it may be possible to move on from the situation/arguement/problem but to forgive: is that really just another form of denial? Do we pretend that the event never happened? Or does forgiveness say "it's okay that it happened" because honestly, it's not okay... that's why we got mad/sad in the first place. Does it mean "I forgive because you didn't mean to"? and what if they did mean to? What if their intent, at that exact moment, was to hurt you? But now they regret hurting you/saying those things... but they don't regret that initial intention. It's never I regret my intention to hurt your feelings... instead we regret that we actually hurt the other's feelings. Like I don't regret wanting to kill you... I regret actually killing you.
people suck. they'll let you down. disapoint you. and yet, they're all we have.
awesome.
This is why I have few friends in my life. While I think I have a balanced understanding about the world, I have a low tolerance of people's bull. I am trying to get away from some of my current "friends" that are just arrogant, self centered and stupid. I feel I've wasted a lot of time and effort in those friendships because in the end, they just care about themselves more then anything else. On that note, its also important to have tough skin. Sometimes its important we just bite the bullet and suffer now. Later on we will feel much better about the situation. The person who taught me how to play pool correctly and I ended on bad terms. He passed away while him and I were on a feud. Although I meant every word that I said and I had no regrets about the situation the fact that it ended on bad terms just sucks. He did shape my life in certain key ways and I did learn a lot from him playing pool. We gotta bite the bullet as much as we can when we have someone impacting our lives so much. I'm going through a similar situation right now. My father is one of the most self absorbed, no listen to anyone, radical thinking people I will ever know. Some stuff he says its just downright REALLY? On a 1-10 logical scale that would be a -3. When I am able to I just be quiet and let him say what he needs to say and walk away later. I am not making the same mistake again. Despite him being a dick, he is still my father and I am NOT ending on bad terms with him. Sometimes its just more important to not be reactive to reactive people. It just makes them more reactive.
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I see your point Joseph... I understand that there are time when it's better to simply stop listening/stop arguing... I wish I could do that more often but holding my tounge has never really been my strong point.
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